"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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