Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
