I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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