she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
