i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
