dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
