he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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