so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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