Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize