2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
