Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
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