so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
