This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
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I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
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We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize