Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
