What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
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