i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
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he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
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I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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