It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
