I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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