Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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