I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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