Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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