I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
