Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
