Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
