I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
