i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
