The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
