She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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