Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
