We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Randomize
