i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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