He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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