Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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