The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
