just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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