I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
