this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
