Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
