If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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