Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
