Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
