If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
this hospital has no fireball
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
