We're facebook friends in real life
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
