got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
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