she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
