Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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