don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
