He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
