What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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