The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
