Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
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