just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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