two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
