when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
