Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
