what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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