he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
